So your marriage is on the brink and you can both sense divorce is just around the corner.  Maybe there are issues of infidelity, sex, anger issues, binge drinking and work-related stress involving you, your spouse or both.  There could literally be a litany of reasons why your marriage is heading in the wrong direction and many times you simply don’t have the right tools and skill sets to cope and deal with them appropriately.  All too often, we tend to fly off the handle, exaggerate things that perhaps were not meant to wound as much as they did. You are not alone.  Ever marriage typically experiences the same sorts of problems, such as fighting over money, but not every couple deals with them the same way. Marriage counseling helps you deal with the ups and downs of marriage without going down the road of divorce. 

Below is list of common reasons that couples seek out marriage counseling:

     Cheating
     Considering Divorce
     Drug problems
     Physical or mental conditions
     Cultural issues if one spouse is of a different nationality
     Money Issues
     Unemployment
     Blended families
     In-laws
     Inability to communicate
     Problems in the bedroom
     Conflicts about how kids should be raised
     Inability to have children
     Anger management issues
     Changing roles, such as retirement

You could probably add others to this list. Chances are if you are having problems dealing with any of these serious issues, you might be contemplating divorce as a way out of the morass. But, divorce should be the last resort. 

Our first reaction is that you should do your best to avoid divorce. Marriage is worth saving.  There are a lot of reasons you will want to save your faltering marriage not the least of which are the considerable amount of financial and legal issues you will be opening if you decide on the course of divorce and the impact it will have on any children involved. Divorce affects everyone’s lives.

So what is Marriage Counseling? 

Marriage counseling is an effort to stave off a divorce and recover you relationship by seeking the professional advice and guidance of trained professional counselors. Marriage counseling is also more technically called therapy for couples and is more often administered by licensed therapists specializing in family issues. There is often a special designation for counselors specializing in this type of practice and many will have accreditation as family counselors. 

Family therapy is a type of psychotherapy. It helps families or individuals within a family understand and improve the way family members interact with each other and resolve conflicts. There is a crossover with other mental health fields.  Family therapy is usually provided by therapists known as marriage and family therapists. These therapists provide the same mental health services as other therapists, simply with a different focus — family relationships. Family therapy usually means you both attend one session a week, typically for three to six months. It can vary based on the degree of therapy that might be needed.

Benefits to Marriage Counseling

There are numerous benefits to marriage counseling the most important of which is that it just might save your marriage. Below are some benefits many couples have cited as a result of having undergone marriage counseling.  Learn better ways to communicate, even “fight” in a productive manner. 

Learn how to deal with parental responsibilities better.
Learn and appreciate the differences between men and women when it comes to issues such as intimacy and sex.
Exercises to help develop marriage skills.
Better parenting skills.
Better methods to help deal with times when you feel you are being attacked personally.
How to criticize in a constructive manner.
How to cultivate passion and reintroduce it back into the marriage.

To reap the benefits of marriage counseling means taking a close look at how you communicate with your spouse. A therapist needs to see if there are messages being lost in translation between you. Sometimes it is simply a matter of not really understanding each others communication styles, hence missing the true meaning of what your spouse sometimes says or does. You have to learn to agreeably disagree. These critical skills oftentimes are not developed in shaky marriages, especially the ones that seemed destined for divorce. 

Finding a Good Marriage Counselor

In our opinion, you are best advised to choose a marriage counselor who is a licensed mental health professional as well. Many marriage counselors are designated as LMFTs, (licensed marriage and family therapists) these are counselors you should seek to find as they are trained and accredited in helping couples make amends. Although different states have different licensing or credentialing requirements, most require some form of advanced training, including post-graduate education in marriage and family therapy.  Often training under the supervision of other experts is mandatory. Look for marriage and family therapists credentialed by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT). This organization sets specific eligibility criteria to practice in this field of family therapy.

Many marriage counselors work in private practice too. Moreover, they can be found in mental health centers, clinics and hospitals. Just thumb through your phone directory and you should have no problem finding the marriage counselors in area. Our site is dedicated to making the process of finding a marriage counselor as easy to do as possible.    

What Happens in Marriage Counseling Sessions? 

Typically during marriage counseling the couple will meet with a therapist for one or two hour sessions over a period of one month to a half year. These meetings usually take place weekly until the therapy is no longer need or until the couple has come to some kind of understanding about what it is that is distressing their relationship. The goal is to empower the couple with tools that can help both spouses learn a little something about the way they interact with each other. These sessions can be very intense in the beginning phases. 

Talking about your problems will not be easy. You may find that you are still arguing, yelling, screaming even during the session. Trained professionals will help you break this unproductive and reactive cycle of bickering and fighting.  It may also be that you discover truly fundamental differences that are irreconcilable. Thus, you will arrive at a conclusion that divorce may actually be a benefit to both of you. However, more often, you will gradually learn a lot about how you communicate, learn skills you never had before in listening, and understand something about problems endemic to all marriages. You should come out of counseling having grown in any number of social skills necessary to promoting a healthy marriage.

It might also be the case that your spouse refuses to attend marriage counseling. If so, it is unfortunate, but even one spouse will learn something about tools and new approaches that might help get to the root of any marriage problems. In time, they might be able to bring the other spouse into the fold.

Questions to ask a marriage counselor beforehand:

When you first contact a marriage counselor we suggest you have a list of questions to ask them. This will help you in deciding if this counselor fits your needs, your schedule and ultimately, your comfort zone. 

Are they members of the AAMFT?
Are they licensed by the state, or both?
What is their training background?
What degrees, if any, do they have?
How many times have they treated your specific issue?
How much do they charge for their services and what kind of plans to they have available? For instance, are their services covered by your health insurance?
How long will the sessions last? How often will they occur?
Is there any policy on a canceled session? Will you get your money back?
How can you contact them in the event of an emergency?

The idea is to get a very thorough picture of exactly what the marriage counselor is offering. Finally, pay close attention to your personal reaction to your experience in meeting the counselor for the first time. Did you like them and did they make you feel comfortable? If not, most likely you should keep looking until you find someone that you are comfortable with. Use these questions as staring point. 

A Final Word on Marriage Counselors

Oftentimes, the difference between a healthy marriage and one that is destined to split means learning new skills simply not present before. By choosing marriage counseling, you are saying your marriage is important and worth fighting for. We commend you for this decision because in our opinion nothing could be truer. By following these tips and suggestions we hope that to have helped you in your noble effort. We wish you all the luck in the world.